


Mattress Sinking Underneath Your Weight, The

by Emilys_List



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Challenge Response, F/F, Post Bartlett Administration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-09-19
Updated: 2004-09-19
Packaged: 2019-05-15 19:38:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14796669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emilys_List/pseuds/Emilys_List
Summary: Sequel to "I'm Still Deciding Who I Want to Be Today"





	Mattress Sinking Underneath Your Weight, The

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**The Matress Sinking Beneath Your Weight**

**by: emily's list**

**Character(s):** Donna, Amy  
**Pairing(s):** Amy, Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst, Post Administration, Slash  
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Summary:** Sequel to "I'm Still Deciding Who I Want To Be Today".  
**Author's Note:** Ripped off Ani Difranco yet again for the title. And how did it take me eighty years to finish writing this? 

I pull my hair into a ponytail, in preparation for the onslaught that will be my daughter's second birthday party. I take a long look in the mirror, noting prominent wrinkles and the second hole in my right ear that's never really faded. 

I'm pulled out of my haze when I hear Cady's happy squeal. I roll my eyes as I walk downstairs. Donna has been sneaking her presents, one every day this week. Like I wouldn't notice the absence of a present, or Cady's aural delight when she opens something pink and shiny. 

To my surprise, Donna has not tried to buy her love today. Instead, I walk into my living room to witness Josh Lyman embracing my child. 

Great. 

I put on my best smile, but drop it when I realize it won't sustain. Donna looks to me, nervous, like I'm going to explode and she's not sure when. Josh is still holding my daughter, his eyes closed tight. Cady makes cranky noises and begins to squirm, so he puts her down. He keeps smiling at her, watching her greet all her toys around the room. 

"Hi Amy. How are you?" 

"I'm doing spectacularly. And you?" 

He shrugs, finally looking at me. "I'm doing great now." Josh looks to Donna, I suppose seeking some sort of comfort. I know why he does that, because I find myself doing the same thing. "She's... she's gotten so big. And grown up." 

"You haven't seen her in over a year. Things change," I say bluntly. Then, my words come out softer, "She's becoming very curious. She wants to know about everything. It's... delightful." 

He nods disjointedly. 

In the awkward silence that follows, I realize Donna has left the room. 

"You didn't want me here," he says softly. "You could've said that." 

"She wanted you here," I say with a shrug. 

He smiles. "She who?" 

"Can I leave you here with Cady?" 

His smile fades. "Yeah," he says shortly. 

I walk to the kitchen, slowly. She stands facing the counter, her hands gripping on for dear life. There is something astonishingly beautiful about her back, but this isn't quite the proper time to mention that. 

"I'm not mad, okay? Just so you... just so you know. It's fine, he should be here." 

"He flew in from Sacramento for the day. I mean, I don't know what you want from him, Amy. He'd move a mountain to prove that he cares about her." 

I approach her, laying a tentative hand on her shoulder. When she doesn't push me away, I lean against her back. "Honey, I said it's fine." 

I can feel her leaning against me, and I slip my arms around her waist. 

"You were about to take his head off." 

"Sure I thought about it, but what kind of psychological damage would it do to Cady?" I don't know how, but I can feel her grinning. 

I coax her back into the living room by promising to play nice. 

We walk in, and Cady is sitting in Josh's lap, paging through "Heather Has Two Mommies." He looks tortured; Cady looks content. 

That's good enough for me. 

\+ 

Cady passed out immediately after eating cupcakes and opening her presents. 

She had been very excited about those two events. 

Donna carries her to bed, which leaves adults at a two-year-olds birthday party; the kids are playing outside. 

The oddness of this situation is not lost on me. 

My sister is sitting next to me, her legs draped over my lap. She uses a celery stick to make her case as she talks to Zoey Bartlet about the finer points of private school. 

Margaret (sans Boyfriend of the Moment) and Charlie discuss how he'll make partner within the next few months. 

And Ginger and Andie, no kidding, discuss what a pain in the ass Toby can be. 

Meanwhile, I'm stuck in a conversation with Josh and CJ about California politics. It's not that I don't give a damn, although I don't. I don't need a Josh Lyman lecture on how to get 64% of the population to vote for a man so progressive he's practically a socialist. 

"How is Sam?" I ask, interrupting his diatribe on how to woo moderates. "I read an article in the Post last week about a bill he's planning to veto." 

Josh looks at me strangely. "Do you want to know about Sam, or do you want to know if you need to get concerned about the marriage issue?" 

"Seeing as Donna and I don't live in California, marriage isn't really an issue for us." 

"That's not what I was--" 

"I was asking about Sam. I was expressing concern for him, because he might have a difficult fight with the legislature." I get up, struggling a bit considering the weight of my sister's legs. "CJ, I need to go for a moment. I'll... be right back." 

I walk towards the stairs to join Donna as she meets me at the bottom. 

"Birthday girl is out cold," she says with a pained smile. 

"What's the matter?" 

She shakes her head, looking towards pink crepe paper. "It's nothing. She's such a person, you know? She's this independent being... that's the scariest thing I can think of." Donna grasps my hand, and leads me to where I was sitting on the couch. 

"Why is that scary?" I ask. 

"Because then... she's a person. Out in the world. What if we screwed up?" 

"We didn't screw up. And she's not... out in the world. She's two." Donna smiles, and strokes my arm reassuringly. 

"She's very poised, for two," CJ mentions before she sips her wine. "Cady's really an old soul." 

"That's a strange thing to say about my daughter," Josh says, causing me to immediately tense up. It was a teasing remark, just a remark, but I can't help but get worked up over it. 

"Amy, you look a little pale. Are you okay?" Donna asks. I nod, laying my head on my sister's shoulder. 

Olivia rests her head against mine. "What's wrong?" 

"I hate men," I mutter. 

"Oh. Okay." She goes back to discussing school uniforms. 

CJ discusses how to handle the issue of Sam's girlfriend, as Josh interjects sporadically. Donna listens intently, nodding and laughing in the appropriate spots. 

I don't know when I grew tired of this talk, but apparently I have. 

And I don't know when this stuff with Josh started to bother me. He's partially responsible for Cady's life, and I couldn't take that more seriously... 

But can't he just get the fuck out of my life now? 

\+ 

We lie in bed, our bodies separate. We're not saying much as we take our time to fall asleep. Every once in awhile, Donna will roll over to face me and share a thought. 

Otherwise, we are quiet. I stare at the tiny red light of Cady's baby monitor, and if I listen closely, I can hear her snoring. 

I turn onto my side, facing away from Donna. If I listen closely, I can hear her breathing. 

"It was a good day," she says lightly. "It was good to see everyone. Sometimes I feel like we're marooned on Mommy Island." 

"I like Mommy Island." 

"I do, too. Don't get me wrong. It's just nice to have some adults around." 

I smooth my hand over the sheet. "I don't suffice?" 

"Amy," she sighs. "Don't get hormonal. You know what I meant." She kisses my shoulder blade. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean... I'm sorry." 

"No, that's fine. Please, call me hormonal again, because I get off on my wife calling me--" 

"What the hell is the matter with you?" She gets out of bed, pacing around. I watch as she walks patterns around our bedroom. "You've been so angry today. And I guess it's because of Josh -- well -- it is because of Josh. But I want you to know that I'm here. Okay? If I wanted to be anywhere else, I would be. I love you. This is our family." 

I sit up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. I think about looking at her, but I change my mind. Instead, I look at the stain in the carpet where Cady spilled an entire bottle of cranberry juice. 

"You want to be here because I'm here or because Cady's here?" 

Donna doesn't bother to give me a coherent answer, so I listen to her mutter words like ‘insane' and ‘delusional.' 

"Did you not hear me say I love you? I love YOU. I want YOU. That's why I'm here," she says loudly. Donna gets back into bed, laying down, settling into the duvet. "Lay down, will you? You're making me nervous." She turns her back to me. 

I hear Cady start to make happy baby noises in her sleep. 

I lay back down carefully, slowly, and I pull the duvet over my body. "I'm going to Chicago tomorrow." 

"I remember." 

"Let Olivia know what time you'll drop Cady off. Her number's on my desk, behind--" 

"I know your sister's number, Amy," she says. What truly kills me is how flat her voice sounds. 

"Goodnight," I tell her, knowing I won't be able to fall asleep any time soon. 

"Yeah," she says with a sigh. 

My eyes start to tear, and I start blinking rapidly. "The problem is that you fight just a little too hard to convince me that this is where you want to be."


End file.
